By the way, my Jude the Obscure essay is done. And it kicks all other essays' asses! Take THAT other essays!

Want to nap now.

Phew! Is it inane in here or is it just me?

Of course, it's just me. It's crunch time. But December 6th should mark the return of real posting (instead of these random thoughts and ejaculations [yes, that's a proper use of that word! Look it up!]).

Until then, though, inanity holds sway.

Wow. How did I not hear about this until now? When I was about twelve or thirteen, I was absolutely IN LOVE with Jonathan Brandis.

I sincerely hope he's found his peace.

Okay. So there's a good chance I live in a fantasy land.

I just received the most close-ended e-mail--you know? the kind that doesn't really invite further conversation--I have EVER received. Did I reply? Yeah. Against my better judgment.

Or maybe that move wasn't really against my better judgment. Maybe--in this case--it was a good thing to second-guess myself (initially, I wasn't going to reply.) We shall see, we shall see. I'll try to gauge from the tone of the reply whether this whole thing has been misjudged from the beginning.

At least--if nothing becomes of anything--I'll have the sense of closure I wouldn't have had had I not bothered to attempt anything.

Gotta look for that silver lining!

Crap. I am such a nerd.

So I e-mailed S. Out of the blue. Yes, I know I'm hiding behind my computer, but it certainly helped to make that first step easier. No reply ("It happened once before / when I came to your door: / no re-plyyyyy. / They said you were not home--" Sorry.) Yet. But it's been less than twenty-four hours and I know not everyone checks their e-mail as frequently as I do.

My only hope is that if he's not interested, at least he's not frightened/weirded out by the sudden e-mail. Oh. Yeah. Other hope: that he's able to put a face to the name (we've had a couple classes together in the past, and I've talked to him a couple of times, but...)

Add "Stop second-guessing self" on yesterday's "To do" list.

My, gosh! I really do sound like a twelve year old in all of this! I don't know whether to laugh or to vomit from embarrassment.

To do:

1.) Finish response paper;
2.) Write paper on my discussion facilitation (topic: how Hardy constructs female sexuality in Jude the Obscure);
3.) Get more sleep;
4.) Re-learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty/bitchy.*


* I had to tell my roommate that I'd prefer if her boyfriend didn't come down tonight and stay until Thursday night/Friday morning when the both of them would go home for the weekend. His wanting to come down was spontaneous; had I had advance notice, I could have made arrangements to work elsewhere (the extra noise in the living room [t.v., booming laughter] would distract me from aforementioned paper-writing. It's distracted me before, and in my current state of fatigue/mental wanderlust, it would--I'm sure--prove more problematic.) But I didn't have advance notice. So I said "no." And now I feel like a guilty bitch.

This is a re-post of something I posted elsewhere. A letter I'll never send...

Dear S,

I saw you at the concert on Friday. And I'm pretty sure you saw me. I mean, you and your friends were right in front of/beside me once the show actually got under way.

So why didn't either of us say anything to the other? I know you're shy, but I can be, too. Especially around you. There's something about you that makes me feel like a giddy twelve year old, forget how to talk to a guy. The smiling and saying "hello" is easy to remember; it's the follow-up, I forget.

Someone--one of us--has to end this dance. Rather, one of us has to end this circling so the dance can actually begin.

N

Go listen to Nelly Furtado's new album, Folklore. Do it. Now. Click the link and scroll down to listen. I'm sure you won't be disappointed!

The Friday Five

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

I'll work on the assumption that "year" means "academic year"...
i.) Write an intelligent, provocative thesis;
ii.) Knit myself that throw I've been planning;
ii.) Determine what I want to do for grad school;
iv.) Finish revising my play (we're in one act to full length play transition mode, people!); and
v.) FINALLY work up the courage to give S. my number! (What is it about this guy that makes me feel like a twelve year old? Yeah, I can be shy, but not usually like THIS!)


2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

i.) Renee;
ii.) Charlotte;
iii.) Melissa;
iv.) Danny; and
v.) Rob S.


3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

i.) (Finish) learn(ing) to play bass;
ii.) Learn how to play piano;
iii.) Learn to make pottery;
iv.) Learn to belly dance; and
v.) Learn to change a flat tire!


4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

i.) Donate to Oxfam (after tithing);
ii.) Buy myself a house;
iii.) Send my parents on a cruise (or other trip of their choice);
iv.) Take my siblings backpacking through Europe; and
v.) Buy more books (including a first edition copy of The Lord of the Rings!)

And the rest? I'll put it aside for grad school...


5. List five things you do that help you relax.

i.) Read;
ii.) Knit;
iii.) Write;
iv.) Listen to music; and
v.) Watch t.v. or a movie.

Composer Michael Kamen has died.

Five Canadians made the long list for the IMPAC Dublin award--the richest literary purse in the world. The Canadians on the list include 2002 Giller Prize winner Austin Clarke and--one of my personal favourites--Rohinton Mistry.

"Re-Offender" by Travis
Words and music by Fran Healy


Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Joneses
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself

'Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again
You do it again
You say your sorry's
And then you do it again
You do it again

Everybody thinks you're well
Everybody thinks I'm ill
Watching me fall apart
Falling under your spell

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself

'Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again
You do it again
You say your sorry's
And then you do it again
You do it again
And again and again and again and again

Oh

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself

'Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again
You do it again
You say your sorry's
Then you do it again
You do it again

You say you love me
And then you do it again
You do it again
You say your sorry's
Then you do it again
You do it again
And again and again and again and again

[Via Top Hits Online]

Tyler Told To Lose Weight

Buxom screen star Liv Tyler is risking her Hollywood career - by refusing to lose weight. The 26-year-old has been told by movie bosses she risks missing out on top film roles unless she reduces the size of her shapely figure. But Liv - who trimmed to a svelte 57 kilograms for her part as heroine Arwen in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, before piling 13 kilograms back on after shooting wrapped - insists she is happy with her weight and doesn't want to diet. She says, "I've been told that if I lose weight I'd have more work, but I refuse to submit myself to Hollywood standards. To the rest of the world I am slim and I like the way I am."

[Via The Internet Movie Database.]


You know, sometimes Hollywood makes me sick. Here's Liv Tyler, one of the most beautiful women in the world, being told to lose weight. I've seen recent photos of her. The woman is 5'10 and she is not fat. She's the perfect weight for her height. And you know what? She looks even more beautiful than she did when she was 57 kg. because she looks healthier (not that she looked unhealthy before, though.) And I'm not just defending her because she happens to be a personal style icon of mine.

She has a real woman's figure, Hollywood. Get over it.

It's the kind of criticism she's receiving that makes any woman who's not a size two feel inadequate.

The only things worse than theatre politics are theatre hypocrites.

I'm really looking forward to next year. To being finished with academe, at least for a time. But towards my university graduation--like most transitions--I look not without some trepidation.

I'm worried.

About where I'll work. I know it would just be short-term (as of this moment, I'm still planning to enter grad school in September 2005), but I don't want to work in retail. I can't work in retail. I've been there; I've done that. I've been drained by the soullessness and the monotony. I want to do something that's more in my field (and no, smart asses, a Combined Honours Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Literature and Culture, and English Literature does not qualify me for flipping "burgers" at McDonald's. Yes, I'm too proud to beg. And I suppose that's a good thing, if beggars really can't be choosers.) The thing is, I don't know if I'll be able to find anything in my field in my hometown (I was planning to live there so I could save money for travelling and, of course, grad school.) So I'm worried.

About where I'll live. And what my costs of living will be. But I suppose that's best worrying over after I've gotten myself a job.

Most of all, though, I'm worried about--no, afraid of--being alone. I love my independence. Couldn't live without the degree of freedom I enjoy now (mind you, that degree is the lowest I could endure. I'd love more freedom. Fortunately, I'm able to see my graduation as a harbringer of that greater independence I crave.) But I'm afraid of ending up in a city in which I know no one my age. Worse still, I'm afraid of ending up in a city in which the peers I do know share no common interests (to feel alone amongst others is the most terrible loneliness.)

I guess that--and I know this'll sound stupid--I'm also afraid of ending up alone alone. This isn't a fear that's been brought on by my upcoming graduation. No. It's merely been exacerbated by it. You know, sometimes it really does seem that I'm the only one I know who wants to date, but isn't dating. So many of my friends are in serious relationships or are engaged (I'm not ready for that just yet--freedom, remember?--but I want something.) And that can really make me feel, well, alone, if not a little unappreciated. Knowing that I'll be leaving university and meeting fewer men about my age doesn't help that feeling.

But what does all this matter now? Why am I worrying about issues that are months away? Why? Well, let's just say I've been taught not to put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

And so worry I shall.

In completely unrelated news, the Grey Cup is this Sunday (November 16th). The Montreal Alouettes versus the Edmonton Eskimos. You know, I really prefer the Canadian Football League to the NFL. You can't beat three down football. Fewer downs, more action. And we've all gotta get our action somewhere!

Oh, dear. I half can't believe I wrote that.

It's getting late and I've work to do yet. Why couldn't Thomas Hardy have written pithier novels?

Normally, I'm a patient person. But this constant whetting of an appetite whose sating must be deferred is maddening.

The marketing department at New Line is the devil. How am I supposed to wait until December 17th to see Return of the King?! It's evil, I tell you!

You know what else is evil? Making me wait until the 18th of this month to buy The Two Towers Extended Edition DVD. AND making me wait until the 25th to buy the truly epic, utterly moving (I got choked up just listening to the clips on the net) soundtrack to ROTK. It's a shame that Howard Shore won't get the Oscar he deserves for this third consecutive masterpiece (I'm sure many of you know that as of a few years ago, the music branch of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences--which sets its own rules--changed the criteria for Oscar eligibility, stipulating that the scores of sequels cannot be honoured as scoring a sequel is an extention of the work in the original film. I think that rule's an all-round bad idea. The most deserving works have a right to be nominated, notwithstanding their composer's previous experiences. Besides that, scoring sequels must be more challenging. I mean, the composer has to keep things fresh, while incorporating key themes from previous scores to unify the parts. Really though, that rule--as it applies to Lord of the Rings--especially reeks, since ROTK [and TTT before it] is NOT a sequel, but part of a whole. But I guess I should tell that to the music branch, huh?)

Anyway, just because I'm a little Gollum-like right now doesn't mean I'll be filling this blog with one Lord of the Rings post after another. In fact, I'm going to make an extra effort to refrain from posting about LOTR. We swears on the preciousss...

At least until December 17th.

Afterthoughts
And for those of you who may be interested, here's a great little interview with Elijah Wood (Frodo) and Sean Astin (Sam). [Via TheOneRing.net.]

In honour of Saturday Night:





I'm Weekend Update Jimmy!

Take the Jimmy Fallon recurring SNL character quiz here.

created by stomps.



Too, too tired and too, too swamped.

This makes me SO sick! And not just because it's personal (my grandfather is a WWII veteran.)

Thanks to Candice for the heads-up.

After missing classes Monday to Wednesday (only five hours, though--to put things in perspective) because of my sinuses, I went to the doctor on campus.

Well, the good news is that the recent sinus problems don't seem to be bacterial-related (ie. sinusitis.) The doctor I saw on campus today thinks it could turn into a bacterial thing, though, so he prescribed a corticosteroid (that info's for you, Ryan!) nasal spray.

The bad news? The doctor said it'll take a couple days before I notice any difference. So I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it in the interim.

The Girls' Night with Melanie and Paulina this evening should help make things easier to bear. Laughter's the best medicine. Or so they tell me.

At least with laughter, the effects are more immediate, even if they are only temporary.

Congratulations to M.G. Vassanji, winner of the 2003 Giller Prize.

The Giller Prize is awarded tomorrow night. Just think: in a little over twenty-four hours, the world will know if the usual suspect of the shortlist, Margaret Atwood, will walk away with yet another accolade for her newest tome Oryx and Crake. I wonder if she tires of all the praise... I'm sure I eventually would!

In a little over twenty-four hours, the world will know if Anne-Marie MacDonald's The Way the Crow Flies could pull off the upset (though I doubt that anyone would be terribly upset, Canadian literary sweetheart that MacDonald may be.)

In a little over twenty-four hours, the world will know if the oft-neglected (as far as Giller Prize discussions go) John Bemrose (The Island Walkers), John Gould (Kilter: 55 Fictions), or M.G. Vassanji (The In-Between World of Vikram Lall) will go neglected no longer (though, really, Vassanji's not usually neglected.)

I'm glad I'm not on the jury. What a tough decision (tougher still when you've yet to read any of this year's nominated texts)!

The CBC has put together a little background information on Doris Giller, the journalist and literary enthusiast in whose memory the prize is conferred. She sounds like she was quite the woman. I wish I could have met her.

Speaking of characters, my little brother was a guest at my place this weekend. I had a lot of fun (yes, in spite of the painful Evil Dead double-header! Okay, true, Sam Raimi is the master of atmosphere, but the effects [especially those in Evil Dead II] are beyond campy and the plot just a little ridiculous.) My brother never fails to make me laugh. Thanks for the company, Alex!

This weekend also saw me make another acquisition for my t-shirt "collection" (like I really need another t-shirt!) This shirt, a blue and red ringer tee (blue's the background colour, red's the colour of the ribbing), features the script "Nerd" above a picture of a grinning Gonzo, who's indicating that the nerd in question is indeed himself. And--by extension, I guess--me. I figure that since I'm advertising myself as such in cyber space, I might as well give up the disguise in the real world. I mean, who but a literary nerd would blog about the Giller Prize, anyway?

I am a nerd. And there's no shame in that.

Off to re-stock my pocket protector--er, I mean, read...

Woo-hoo! NBC is putting Coupling on "hiatus". It's just for the sweeps period right now, but could a cancellation be far behind?

And things keep getting better on the television front... Both The Simpsons and Malcolm in the Middle have their season premiers tonight. I'll have to time a break from reading accordingly.

"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a--" Bwah ha hah! Thanks to Jess for making my day!

And thanks to Ryan, too. GUESS WHO'S GOT A TICKET TO TRILOGY TUESDAY???!