Monday, November 10, 2003

I'm really looking forward to next year. To being finished with academe, at least for a time. But towards my university graduation--like most transitions--I look not without some trepidation.

I'm worried.

About where I'll work. I know it would just be short-term (as of this moment, I'm still planning to enter grad school in September 2005), but I don't want to work in retail. I can't work in retail. I've been there; I've done that. I've been drained by the soullessness and the monotony. I want to do something that's more in my field (and no, smart asses, a Combined Honours Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Literature and Culture, and English Literature does not qualify me for flipping "burgers" at McDonald's. Yes, I'm too proud to beg. And I suppose that's a good thing, if beggars really can't be choosers.) The thing is, I don't know if I'll be able to find anything in my field in my hometown (I was planning to live there so I could save money for travelling and, of course, grad school.) So I'm worried.

About where I'll live. And what my costs of living will be. But I suppose that's best worrying over after I've gotten myself a job.

Most of all, though, I'm worried about--no, afraid of--being alone. I love my independence. Couldn't live without the degree of freedom I enjoy now (mind you, that degree is the lowest I could endure. I'd love more freedom. Fortunately, I'm able to see my graduation as a harbringer of that greater independence I crave.) But I'm afraid of ending up in a city in which I know no one my age. Worse still, I'm afraid of ending up in a city in which the peers I do know share no common interests (to feel alone amongst others is the most terrible loneliness.)

I guess that--and I know this'll sound stupid--I'm also afraid of ending up alone alone. This isn't a fear that's been brought on by my upcoming graduation. No. It's merely been exacerbated by it. You know, sometimes it really does seem that I'm the only one I know who wants to date, but isn't dating. So many of my friends are in serious relationships or are engaged (I'm not ready for that just yet--freedom, remember?--but I want something.) And that can really make me feel, well, alone, if not a little unappreciated. Knowing that I'll be leaving university and meeting fewer men about my age doesn't help that feeling.

But what does all this matter now? Why am I worrying about issues that are months away? Why? Well, let's just say I've been taught not to put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

And so worry I shall.

In completely unrelated news, the Grey Cup is this Sunday (November 16th). The Montreal Alouettes versus the Edmonton Eskimos. You know, I really prefer the Canadian Football League to the NFL. You can't beat three down football. Fewer downs, more action. And we've all gotta get our action somewhere!

Oh, dear. I half can't believe I wrote that.

It's getting late and I've work to do yet. Why couldn't Thomas Hardy have written pithier novels?

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