Sunday, September 07, 2003

My stomach is tied up in knots.

I just got an e-mail from my thesis supervisor telling me not to drop the Italian class until he's had a chance to talk to me.


He's going to try to convince me to keep it, I'm sure. And I'm going to feel guilty (I already do!), like maybe I had better to keep it--just to please him. But I can't. I can't deal with it--the idea of it, even. It's already stressing me out, making me panic. And I don't want a repeat of last year. I don't like feeling like that. And I know that, if I keep that course, something's going to be neglected and I'll feel cheated/anxious about my marks. I'll stop sleeping--so I can devote more time to my work. And then I'll get sick. I'll miss class and feel cheated/anxious about what I'm missing. I'll avoid sleep in favour of catching up, and I'll get sicker, and more worried, sinking deeper into depression than I had before.

I don't want to do that. So I can't keep it. But he doesn't know all this. My supervisor knows that I had a lot of health problems last year, but that--of course--is only the half of it.

I figure I'll have to let him in on everything. As a primer, I sent this in response to his e-mail:

Unfortunately, I feel I have to drop the course. I have two fourth year seminars for English this year (one each semester) and two full-year honours-level courses in addition to the thesis. If I stay in Italian 200, I feel I'd have to neglect my other courses in order to get what I want out of Italian.

As well, there are other reasons--reasons which relate to my health last year--for my dropping Italian, but e-mail is not the best medium for expressing them.

I really feel as though there isn't an alternative.

I hope he understands. Or, at the very least, that he doesn't drop me like I've dropped this class.

I'm so worried... I think I need to lie down...

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