Monday, June 09, 2003

You're a tree-hugging, fantasy-loving romantic with
a free spirit (and kick-ass wings to boot).

What Cartoon Doll Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Fantasy-loving romantic"? Who, me?! Ah, who am I kidding? I am a fantasy-loving romantic.

I always have been a dreamer, more content to live within my own head than the world around me. I've been that little girl who can't help looking her shoulder after leaving her bedroom, certain that one of these days she's going to catch her stuffed animals conversing (The Velveteen Rabbit had the most profound effect on me as a child. To this day it's a favourite read.) I've been that little girl who ascribes personality to everything, seeing even cucumbers come to life before her eyes.

I always have been that little girl. And I hope I always will be. Seeing through her eyes is more comforting and restorative than I could ever describe. Imagine, yes. Articulate, no.

But I'm not entirely right-brained. (I'm feeling strangely defensive right now--like I have to recuperate the myth of the rational, mature, thinking adult you--or at least I--think I should be. Why should I feel immature, irrational for being a dreamer? I feel guilty, almost.) Everything is good in moderation and that includes fantasy. Come to think of it now, it stands to reason that something escapist would be restorative. Some people leave the city to spas embedded in the foothills of a mountain to relax. I retreat to my right-brain. Hey, it's affordable and it saves on travel time!)

Anyway, to recuperate the myth--in case you (and by "you" I really mean "I"!) now had any doubt of my maturity:

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 37%
Visual : 62%
Left : 50%
Right : 50%

Natalie, you exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.

You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a "thinking" individual, you "take in" entire situations readily and can act on intuition.

You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.

With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.

Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself -- and of others -- while maintaining an "openness" which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional.

I think that's pretty apt description of how I think/learn (and I'm not just saying that because the summary incorporated one of my favourite words--"vacillate"!) It was certainly something I needed to hear. It's as I alluded above--I've found myself feeling a little guilty for being a dreamer lately. That profile made me feel a little better--like I'm not completely lost/hopeless. Like if dreams fail, I can survive on my reason.

A week from today, I'll be 22. For almost four years, I've been an adult in the eyes of the law and while I don't deny that I feel like an adult, I can't help thinking that the romantic in me isn't very "adult" at all.

I feel pressure from the powers-that-be to "work through" this fantasy thing. I feel pressure to abandon imagination for regimentation. Simply because I am supposed to be an adult. (Is it just me who feels that society demands these two halves to be reconciled--often at the expense of the former?)

These pressures--whether explicit, implicit or, ironically, imagined--have been weighing especially heavily the past few weeks. Only a mere twelve months from completing my undergraduate degree, I can't help scrutinizing my choice of career paths. I chose to study literature at university, dreaming of a career as a respected novelist and playwright. But now--unable to find Summer employment--I can't help wondering if my aspirations were but lofty fantasy. Wouldn't I be better off unfulfilled, but employed in a second-choice career than loving what I do, but poor and harassed by my parents because no one's willing to hire anyone without a business degree?!

This Summer job search has me worried. I'm worried that I'll end up eternally unhappy, stuck in a retail job--if any--just because I couldn't pick something more realistic to study at university. I mean, at least if I had studied business, I could get a good job to support myself while I wrote. That would have been the sensible, adult think to do.

But instead, I was too proud to study anything but that which I love (literature) and too frightened that if I had a safety net, writing would become a hobby before ceasing to be anything. I know I'm supposed to write; I feel that drive, a certain hunger to put thought, image, ideal to paper. But I feel, too, a fear. A fear that all the suffering for my art will be fruitless.

Maybe it's that fear, then, and not society that has me feeling guilty. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just a little girl who needs to cut herself some slack.

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