So I've been wondering about the nature of commitment lately--of "romantic" commitment.
It's funny. Really. Not my doubts about commitment, but the fact that I have them at all. I have no broken home, no absence of a role model relationship to turn me against the institution. My parents are not only still together, but still very much in love.
What's more, though, is that I've always looked forward to getting married and having kids. Since I was very small, I've had a very strong desire to start a family of my own. Not because I thought it was something I was supposed to do, mind you, but because of a genuine, unadulterated love and desire for union, for complete companionship.
Now? I still desire companionship, but really? Marriage and children no longer represent that for me. Children seem burdensome (there's no way I could be as committed to my work with children around! And I'm not willing to sacrifice my need to write--critically and creatively.) Marriage seems almost farcical.
No, not because of that oft cited statistic that about half of all marriages end in divorce. Until now, I believed that if two people entered into a partnership, were willing to meet each other half-way, were willing to do the work, commitment could continue.
The silver lining in all of this? I no longer feel anxious about a lack of potential liaisons on the horizon. Now it's more the potential letting down of someone's expectations, the potential that I may hurt someone's feelings in my disinterest that makes me anxious.