Sunday, March 16, 2003

Oh, it was another gorgeous early Spring day today and I would have liked nothing better to go for a nice long hike.

But I don't have the time.

I've pretty much wasted my entire day. I'm having such a difficult time motivating myself. It's part of the depression. You know, lack of motivation is problematic for anyone who experiences it, but for someone who's naturally anxious like I am, it spells double the trouble. It gives me something else to worry about. I worry that I'm not getting my work done and what kind of consequences that will have on my marks and so on. And it becomes a vicious cycle: depression, lack of motivation, anxiety, more depression, less motivation, more anxiety, deeper depression, et cetera.

At least, on the whole, I'm hiding it well. It's not something that everyone needs to know. Nor is it something that I want everyone to know. Clinical depression, despite it being common, is still so stigmatized! So why am I writing about it here? Well, not too many people who know me personally (ie. in the offline world) actually read this, so I figure I'm safe...

At any rate, I need to get out of this funk and soon. I have my last midterm tomorrow and my finals start in less than a month (the first one is on April 11th.)

Must focus on the present. Deep cleansing breaths... Relax and let go of the negativity.

It's not working. I'm going to have to do some extra yoga tonight...

On the up-side of things, though, I finally ordered myself Orchestral Pop Noir Romantique, Nor the Dahlias: The Dears 1995-1998 and End of a Hollywood Bedtime Story by The Dears. No more being chained to my computer whenever I want to listen to them (online at New Music Canada.) In a matter of days, The Dears will be going everywhere with me! I still have to get my hands on their Protest EP, but I don't know if that'll ever happen because it was a limited release. Their new full-length CD, No Cities Left, comes out in April and there's no doubt who's buying that then, now is there?

Listening to "The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure" by The Magnetic Fields.

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