Mr Mature called me tonight. And what do you think happened? Yeah. He told me why he hadn't called earlier this week (he's been sick--why is it that his excuses are always valid??? It's not making this easier...) and asked me if I wanted to get together tomorrow (I can't--I have an exam to write and a paper to hand in.) Instead, I'm going to call him when I get in tomorrow night and we're going to get together on Saturday. I'm hoping that, for my sanity's sake, he improves his Visit Track Record because, right now, he's a little heavy in the Minus category.
He and I do need to have a real talk about this--about how the way he's been treating me has made me feel. I guess it really is the kind of conversation you need to have in-person... So I probably should berate myself too much just yet.
Why do smart girls have stupid hearts?
As much as I know that what's been going on with Mr Mature is not what I need, there's something in me that doesn't want to give up on him yet. I don't know why. I've broken up with guys I've actually been dating for less. Mr Mature has jerked me around, however unintentional it may be, far too much. Though a certain stubbornness in me won't let go of the idea that he and I could have something, my head is telling me to spare myself further heartache.
But I don't think I can give up until I know where I stand.
I never took gymnastics as a little girl, but I know you need to plan your dismount from the balance beam. You need to know where you stand before you can land without really hurting yourself. Misjudge something and you'll slip--off the beam and onto your head or, still worse, off your course and back into his arms.
I just want to find out how he feels about me. He once told me how attracted he was to me--personality, body, the whole package. If I'm "just a friend," that's fine. I can deal with that. Except that, friend or romantic interest alike, this is not how you treat someone you care about.
Maybe he really doesn't know what he's doing to me. Maybe all of this has just been me being my over-analytical self. Maybe I'm even over-analyzing now!
I know I've said this many, many times (in fact, I'm starting to sound like a broken record!): this needs some resolution. Far too much of my energy has been spent on this.
And this is baggage I refuse to let myself carry over to the New Year.
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