Eee-argh! I suppose I'm not quite the Ass of Buridan. At least not yet, anyway.
A few days ago, I had my IMood set at "conflicted." That I am still. There are a handful--thre, really--of guys in my classes and the like with whom I'd like to become better aquainted. And there's that guy I was interested in over the summer. He's not technicallyin the picture, mind you, because he's living en la plus belle citie de Montreal (I know I'm missing accents, but that's only because I don't know how to add them using this keyboard) and because he may still be "involved" (I know I should just forget about him, but tonight I received a lovely response to an e-mail I had sent him and it's kinda reignited some interest on my part...)
What am I complaining about, right? Some people, my roommate for instance, haven't met anyone who's been able to spark their interest. I have met too many. This really shouldn't be a problem, though. And it probably wouldn't be if I had had anything but a Catholic education. Somehow, over the years, diatribes in favour of monogamy have stunted my ability to play the field. No, I'm not talking sex here. I'm talking just plain old recreational dating. I've never been able to allow myself to see casually more than one guy at the same time. Hence the problem. Four guys I'd like to get to know better. And a fear of being seen as a slut (maybe not by others, but at least by myself) if I do.
Honestly. This, this fear is something I think I've created for myself. I can't blame my parents. My mother, while never calling me a prude (like some mothers I know have done to their own daughters), has always encouraged me to date casually and has always seemed baffled whenever I've answered her with an "I just--can't..."
I know it's perfectly acceptable to casually date more than one man at a time. When things get serious, of course not. I'm worried about now. How do I silence that voice in my head (conscience?) that keeps telling me that good girls stand in a corner and wait to see who approaches them?
I do know that I need to make things happen for myself. I can't wait on others all the time. If I'm going to depend on others for my happiness, well, I'm going to be a pretty miserable young lady.
Now, I don't want to choose just one guy to concentrate my attentions on. Not yet, anyway. I want to get to know them better (so far, the one I know the best--Mr Montreal--is the one with whom there is the least potential for anything to really develop... But still. He keeps popping into my head.) So how do I get over myself, liberal woman that I am? How do I stop worrying about what other people may or may not think? Still more importantly, if I do get over myself, how do I keep from worrying about what I may think of myself?