Thursday, September 05, 2002

It is with some trepidation that I prepare to enter yet another year of university. I suppose it's natural. Everyone feels a little anxious when faced with the unknown, right? I think it's more than just that for me this year, though.

I feel unprepared, unrested.

So maybe that's entirely the fault of my "Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself / And falls on the other." I took a distance studies course so I could focus more time on my undergraduate thesis (optional, of course!) in my fourth year. And now, having had only one month away from school work--a month that was spent working in the heinous retail industry--it is time for me to buckle down and hit the books. I can't, though! I'm afraid I won't be able to focus. I feel tired--physically, mentally and emotionally.

More sleep will fix the first two. Sleep always does a body good. It's like milk, only more transportable. You can't really take milk with you to the beach on a summer day; it's likely to spoil in the heat. Sleep, on the other hand, is, well, sleep and is often enhanced by the cozy sands and lulling song of the waves kissing the shore. Mmmm...

I wish I could be more certain about the emotional side of things.

I can't help thinking that this dragging of spirits stems from my breaking up with my boyfriend in the middle of July. It was a mutual thing. We had both decided that we weren't good for each other any more. I know I myself had started feeling confined; for a month I had that same tightness in the chest that I get when I have my anxiety attacks. Like now. Yeah, generalized anxiety disorder! I digress...

So I felt restricted for the last few months of our relationship. I was conversing in circumscribed fashion. Each date was like the last. I felt underappreciated and, what's more, malnourished. Yes, that's right. Malnourished. In the intellectual sense. I never felt that my ex could keep up with me. Towards the end, I even felt that maybe he resented our differences in opinion. Divergent opinions must be celebrated; it is the dialogue between the two that will pave the way for change. Though to my face he always maintained that he liked a girl who knew her own mind, I suspected what he really wanted/needed was a "Yes"-Girl. So we weren't right for each other. So we split amicably and move on, right?

I would have hoped so, but I still find myself thinking of him. And I was so relieved when we broke up! I think, nay, I know I'm afraid. Not afraid of being without him--oh, God, no! I know I'm afraid of ending up alone. Misunderstood.


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